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Transform Your Inner Critic to Your Inner Best Friend

Updated: Feb 28

Are Your Done with that "Inner Critic" with and All Its Negative Chatter?

Would You Like to Hear your True, Positive, Loving Inner Voice Instead - Your "Inner Best Friend"?

You can do that - and I would like to share with you here how you can through what helped me.

I began working on this “Inner Critic” within me over 30 years ago, trying all kinds of suggestions and ways that I was told would finally “quiet” it. This included a counselor I worked with telling me that "if someone spoke to me like I spoke to myself, I would kick them out of my life so fast"; but here I was instead, allowing it to continue to talk to me in such a negative way. For years, no matter what I tried, even from her suggestions; there was this voice still there, talking and talking and talking at me, making me continue to question if I was unlovable and unable to succeed on my own at what I wanted for myself and my life. Deep within me, I knew this was not true, but that voice was so strong and persistent. I found myself living in an ongoing struggle and battle with it, as I continued to search for the answer on how to finally silence it.

It was when I discovered the ancient Hawaiian spiritual teachings of what they call Living Aloha that I finally had my answer. I finally understood what and who this inner negative voice was with these untruths it had continued to speak to me about myself. Suddenly the “mystery” was gone. I also had doable and practical tools, to put it where it belonged – in my past. I began to listen instead to that other voice inside me that was loving and positive and had also always been there. It had just been more of a whisper in the background, as it was overshadowed by the negative one and waiting to be recognized and heard.

These Hawaiian teachings come from Mahealani Kuamo’o Henry, a Kanaka Maoli, (Native Hawaiian) whose family lineage goes back to the original Hawaiian people and their system of Living Aloha that goes back to Universal Truth. It uses the ancient & original practice of Ho’opono Pono Ke Ala, to make right, more right the path that is about acceptance of who we are in our perfection and in growing and evolving even more in our Self-Greatness.

I have been blessed and honored to have studied with Kumu Mahealani to first help myself and now in being able to share these teachings to help others who are still struggling to finally transform and quiet this negative “voice”.

And it starts with first looking at the modern western mindset most of us were born into and raised in. This modern mindset has developed into being fault-finding and fear-based in a world of assumptions and negativity. And we still see so much of that around us in today's world, don't we?

Most of us were introduced to it as early as preschool, where you were made to feel the adult is always right and you, the child, was always assumed to be in the wrong. You were taught the word “can’t”, “don’t”, ”shouldn’t” – “you can’t do this” or “don’t do that”, without any explanation. Just that you would be told you are bad if you do it, you would need to apologize and then be punished for it. In most cases, it was without explaining to you the reason why you were being told this and without you being given a voice to explain that perhaps there was a reason why you acted out in the way you did. In our modern culture, children often act out, because without being given a voice, this is the only way they know how to “be heard”.

The first memory I have of this was in 1st grade when I finished an assignment more quickly than the other students, and I chose to approach one student who I saw was struggling to see if I could be of help to them. The teacher assumed that I was bored and wanted to cause a problem for that student. Instead of asking what my intent was, she reprimanded me by giving me more work to do to "keep me busy". That was a strong message to me, as a young child, that you are bad and will be punished if you try to help someone. You just have to be quiet and do as you are told.

This message is even more so for children who have experienced sexual and emotional abuse from an adult, as I also did with my 3rd grade teacher. I was told, and as often is the case, that “it was my fault that it happened and not to tell anyone because I would be punished for being so bad”.

What could you as a child do? You had an inner knowing, a sense, that you wouldn't be able to take care of yourself or survive on your own without your caretakers. You had to do as you were told because of fear that they would reject and abandon you. Over time, this also made you begin to question if what they were telling you was actually true - that there was something innately wrong with you – and then you started believing it yourself.

This is where the seed is planted; and, if left unchecked, grows and develops into your inner critic as an adult. It also continues to get louder and stronger, if you are being told as you are growing into adulthood, that you are never enough --- “if you just try harder….”, “if you just work a little harder...." Do any of you relate to this?

I also realized I had never been given the opportunity to learn another way to experience life, as the Hawaiians did, with a positive mindset and thought patterns embodying self-love and an acceptance of my own uniqueness and perfection.

It became clear that all of what I had been told as a child, that became my Inner Critic, were just these old limiting thought patterns and negative conditioning that my child had taken on as truth. I began to see these pattern just as old habits, that no longer had any connection to who I am in my present adult life. I also saw how this had become an intergenerational pattern. What had been said to me from my caretakers was what had been said to them by their caretakers and to their caretakers before them.

And so it became important for me to understand who was the source of my Inner Critic and what was the intergenerational pattern within my family lineage that had been passed down to me. Questions I found helpful that you can ask yourself, include - . what was the family culture you grew up in, how were women treated in it, how were men treated, what words did you hear as a child - were they positive or negative? Who said them to you? How did they make you feel? This will help you understand when and from who your child originally heard the negative and limiting words, what these words actually were and then seeing how you are still hearing them today from what is now your negative inner voice. You will begin to see patterns and how obsolete they are to the adult you are today; and with this awareness, you will find their influence over you becoming less and less.

The next step is in Freeing My True, Positive, Loving Voice; and it begins with having a knowledge of a different way and option of living your life, through a positive mindset with loving and positive thought patterns that will replace the old negative ones. For me, I found this new mindset in these ancient Hawaiian teachings of Living Aloha.

The original Hawaiian people were not very different from us, with their focus on the importance of family and being there for each other. What was different was how they saw children coming into this world as perfect, as a light from the universe and were brought up believing they could achieve anything they desired. Aloha is what joined them together in love and acceptance; because in that love, there is only perfection. Everything, even those challenging times we sometimes experience in our lives and in our relationships with each other, gives us our Spiritual Lessons in helping us to grow and evolve even more into our Spirit Greatness. Everything is always in perfect order—I Ka Pono Mea.

Most people think the word "aloha" just means hello and goodbye. The Hawaiians do use it for that, but the real meaning is simply Love. When a Hawaiian greets or leaves you saying Aloha, in any situation, their intention in what they are really saying is “I greet you with love”, “I leave you with love”. I share my heart and Spirit with you wishing you the very best in all you do in every moment of your life!!!”

Aloha is also a verb, reflected in the actions of how people treat you in addition to having it said to you. And it starts with how you speak to and treat yourself - as your best friend who wants the best for you. Living Aloha embodies loving kindness, compassion, acceptance, cooperation, and gratitude with everyone and everything - and always starting with yourself.

So, how do you, living here in this western world with so much negativity around us, begin to embrace this new inner positive mindset and free your inner positive and loving voice when it has been overshadowed by the conditioned inner critic for so long? You start by looking at your list of negatives and see how you can transform them to saying something positive to yourself. Next, you make a second list of everything that you feel is positive about you and your life. That can include - what have you been successful at (even small things); how did that make you feel; what are your values and what you like about yourself; What brings you joy and happiness; and what are you grateful for in your life? And what is that positive inner voice - what is actually your own 'Inner Best Friend" - saying to you now? What words and phrases is it using – and is there a positive pattern that you begin to see here, bringing you to connecting to your True and Authentic Self?

I also found myself thinking about the mind being like a computer with programs that you download into it to run it. And the lightbulb went off - The Inner Critic is actually just a computer program that was downloaded into my “computer” (my mind) as a child from what I had heard and been told from my early caretakers. And it was now old and obsolete from who I am in this present moment as an adult. It was still running because it was never deleted with a new, updated program installed to replace it and support me in who I am now.

And as it continues to run, you continue in the same habit of listening to that inner negative voice and in continuing to question yourself when it tells you that you are still not good enough and still inadequate in taking care of yourself or in creating the life you choose. This makes your adult continue to look for someone to still take care of you as you did as a child, and you now listen to them and follow their opinions of what they think you need, creating codependent and unhealthy relationships with them.

And all you have to do to change this is to hit the delete button on your computer, in your mind, to remove that old program, creating room to install the new updated one that you have chosen, to follow your own inner guidance – your “gut feelings” and your positive, loving voice. It is really just as simple as that.

Sometimes, like a computer, there can still be old files from that old negative program still lurking in the background that did not get deleted and will still pop up at times to try to take control again. You just immediately delete them when they do, by choosing to bring your attention to one of your new positive thought patterns or something you are grateful for. It is just a matter of choice, and the more you choose to focus on something positive in every moment, the more joy and positivity will come into all aspects of your life.

I hope what I have shared here has been of help to you - in having a better understanding of your Inner Critic and how you can finally delete it and begin to listen instead, with this new positive mindset and awareness, to your "Inner Best Friend".

To know more about Kaleo Wheeler and the system she created, The Inner Brilliance System, that she has integrated into her own life and what she is now sharing with other women, join her email list, and receive a FREE GIFT at The Heart of Aloha.

It Is Time to –

Step out of the World of Negativity and Fear and Into to the Magical World of Positivity and Self-Love, and Create Your World You Choose Within the World Around You

Many Blessings to you!!!!


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