Grief, Revisited

He left us exactly one year ago, today. Three hundred and sixty five days ago. At a little after 4:00pm, I received a phone call at work that would eventually bring me to my knees in the middle of my office. I was reduced to a mindless heap right there on the floor next to my computer, shouting "No, No, No!" into the phone over and over again as if this repetition would change my circumstances. It did not. My little brother had committed suicide.

Anniversaries like these are so difficult...and today, my thoughts are generous but my words are few. I thought today's entry would be about life post-Nicky, but there isn't much to say that I haven't already expressed in the posts I'd written immediately following his death. Exactly one year later, I can read them and still feel that they perfectly capture the truth and emotion of my life - my reality.

I am sharing these writings again just as much for you as I am for me; I am especially proud of these for their unabashed vulnerability; a raw honesty that can only be reached and expressed when you experience grief and pain at this level. While these posts are heavy on the heart, I read them again because I feel an inherent need deep within me to measure where I've been and how much healing has taken place in one year's time.

I wrote this post three days after Nick passed away.

I wrote this post at 3:00am in a Denver hotel room following Nick's funeral.

I wrote this post after a chance encounter that convinced me Nick is still with me even if I can't see him.

And I did just as he said...I kept writing.

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There are a handful of you still reading my blog who have been around since last November; thank you for sticking with me. I lost quite a few readers after I began writing about my loss and honestly, it's ok; I understand. I know that grief is uncomfortable for some, but writing about this experience has been healing for me. In this healing, there is growth.

Thank you for your love, support and friendship...and for taking the time to read about my little brother. I sure do miss him.

The Last Hurrah

November is winding down, my birthday is now just a faint memory and it'll be another year before the world revolves around me once again (thank you, Phil). :)

Every girl should have a posse of friends who would do anything for you; friends who will be there for you when you call them at any hour of any day for any reason. Girlfriends who have your back, are honest (and gentle) with you and the kind of friends who will NOT let you walk around wearing something that does not look good on you. Every girl needs a posse of girlfriends who love you for YOU.

The weekend after we got back from Lanai, I went to dinner with said posse of girlfriends. This was the first year I didn't want a "party"; I just wanted a mellow evening of good food and good girlfriends. So I picked four of my closest girls and keeping with the theme of my Four Seasons birthday celebration, we headed down to South Maui and went to dinner at Duo in Wailea.

We piled into Dana's car and had a good laugh when we realized that all but one of us were wearing black. Every girl should have a little black dress in her closet, except of course if you are Sofia. Girlfriend is drop-dead gorgeous, has legs for days and could rock a burlap sack or dress in ANY color.

The girls lei'd me and off we went. :)

It was a great evening filled with decadence and laughter---a perfect combination for Girls Night Out. We splurged and ordered pre-dinner cocktails and then enjoyed wine with our dinners...and even contemplated ordering port to go with our dessert. But we didn't...'cause we're responsible like that.

I ate this plate of white chocolate (guilt-free) while the girls enjoyed apple-flavored Cotton Candy and Chocolate Three-Ways (which we promptly destroyed within a matter of minutes).

We took a ton of photos (and for the record, they all knew it was for the blog) so that I could document the evening and show you all just how beautiful my girlfriends are!

Four hours later, we paid our bill and were ready to call it a night. It was a much needed evening of girl time, filled with smiles and laughter and hugs...girlfriends are good!

Thank you Dana, Sofia, Shannon and Caprice! Loving you ladies something fierce!

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Mahalo to everyone for visiting this little blog o' mine and for your kind comments on my posts of late. I appreciate each of you and your part in my blogging joy! I'm still working on email responses but wanted to thank you for your patience!

The Magic of Lana'i

My birthday was thirteen days ago, but I'm still milking the day because every girl knows that her birthday requires a month-long celebration, right?

In truth, it's been a whirlwind month and Phil and I kinda feel like we've been going non-stop since coming back from Lanai. With the Thanksgiving holiday and family and friends in town visiting, it has been a hectic couple of weeks. I've barely had any time to spend in front of the computer and I've fallen behind in the blog world!

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I finally uploaded our photos from Lanai; for it being such a quick trip, it was also one of the most memorable...and I'm still coming down from it all. You know that feeling you get when you drink spiked punch? You know, that we're-on-our-second-honeymoon-and-we-are-crazy-drunk-on-love feeling? Yeah. Our trip kinda felt like that.

Official relaxation kicked in on the forty minute ferry ride over from Lahaina, where we sat on the upper deck taking in the gorgeous views of pristine islands.

{Sweetheart Rock in the distance}

We gave ourselves a reprieve from our Clean Diets and indulged ourselves in impeccable menus that would please even the most inexperienced of palates (my favorite meal of the trip was the tiger prawns over a bed of Israeli couscous - I want to CRY, it was so good)...but being a creature of habit, each morning, I still gravitated to my breakfast of choice:

I am proud to say that I didn't forget to bring the vitamins (more important, I've got The Hubs on a vitamin plan, too!):

We logged in copious hours poolside and on the golden sand, soaking up some Vitamin D and feeling borderline uncomfortable (and unworthy) of the Five Star treatment. The man who came by to spritz us with Evian and fill up our cups of ice water, the man who came by offering to polish our sunglasses, the man who brought over trays of skewered fruit and the woman who offered us ice cold washcloths to wipe on our brows? Uncomfortable, yes...but I am quite certain I could grow to love living a lifestyle like this!

We took an exorbitant number of self-portraits which I am sure led people to believe we were actually on our honeymoon:

{this photo was courtesy of a resort employee who saw us struggling to take a self-portrait while holding the DSLR}

...and just for kicks, we even got a photo of us in the California King. It was like sleeping on a cloud!

We explored the grounds (we stayed at the Four Seasons Koele Lodge but bounced between both resorts), marveling at the peace and quiet; we could not have picked a better time to go!

We took in an offensive amount of calories in the form of cocktails in the hotel and by the pool, wine on the lanai and birthday cake in bed:

{On my phone while on vacation? Guilty. But I do believe I was sending out a Tweet in this photo!}

We swam with wild dolphins in Hulopo'e Bay, I relished a 50-minute Lomi Lomi massage which left me feeling jello-ish and relaxed, and I enjoyed being spoiled by The Hubs. My new birthday lens - woot woot!

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We didn't get to do or see everything on Lanai we'd hoped for, but the good thing is it's only a ferry ride away. And with Kama'aina rates as fantastic as they are, we'll definitely be heading back to Lana'i again soon.

We Cooked a Turkey. And it was The Bomb.

I am certifiably stuffed; I ate my weight in holiday goodness yesterday and although my body is suffering the consequences and still working through the digestion process, I have to say that it was worth every single bite. I am a glutton...and proud of it!

The Hubs and I were supposed to spend the holiday on Oahu with some of my extended family, but last minute changes left us here on Maui, where it took us all of five seconds to decide that we wanted to have a quiet celebration at home, just the two of us. We pulled out all the stops, preparing an entire spread of a turkey and all the trimmings...and we'll be enjoying leftovers through the weekend.

{Thanksgiving sunset from our living room window}

We have so much to be grateful for; at the top of our list, we are grateful for this beautiful life God has given us. We are grateful for our family and friends, our health, our home, our marriage and our kitty, Grace. We are grateful for nature, the gift of sunrises and sunsets, the magic of the sea and each of our five senses that allow us to bear witness to these gifts. We are rich beyond measure.

We missed spending the holiday with our families, yes, but Thanksgiving was no less meaningful just because we sat at a table for two. We are grateful...and we give thanks.

Blessings to you, friends!

Give Thanks

{via}

Aloha Friends! We are in the throes of pre-Holiday demands, spending time with family and friends who are in town and trying to prepare for tomorrow's festivities, so I don't know that I will have much online time today. In case I'm unable to get back on here before tomorrow, I wanted to give you all a big, fat HUG and say a heartfelt Thank You for reading this little blog of mine and for the friendships I have made along the way. I appreciate each of you!

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving! I wish you a day filled with peace, love, family and friends in abundance; may these nourish your soul and remind you that life is good and we are blessed!

Much love to you all. Now go - eat, drink and be merry!

Video: One for the Bucket List

Back when I was still in high school and long before "Things I want to do before I die" became "Things to cross off my Bucket List", I had a lifelong dream to swim with wild dolphins. I had no idea where this would take place or how I might make this a reality, but I just knew that there was an experience out there with my name all over it, just waiting to be had.

When Phil surprised me with a trip to Lanai for my birthday, he eventually told me that he picked the location with the hope that he could make that dream a reality for me. And I am the luckiest girl in all the world, because my husband? He delivered.

I write about this often but it never loses its meaning: life out here in the middle of the Pacific Ocean rocks. I am all about Living Aloha and sharing our island-adventures on the blog, and if a trip to Hawaii isn't possible, well then, let me just bring a bit of the tropics to you. If you're up for it, come take a swim with the spinner dolphins (and in the Four Seasons pool) with me. Clickety-click on the video below. 'Ya dig?

{Thank you, Phil for your contribution to the blog and putting this video together!}

The experience was surreal; to be up close and personal with wild creatures so majestic was nothing short of life-changing. I had grown up visiting Sea World/Sea Life parks and watching dolphins in captivity, but to swim with those that are wild and free is magical. There were so many moments that morning when I'd pop up to the surface of the water, yank off my snorkel gear, SQUEAL with delight and ask Phil again and again:
"Is this really happening? Is this my life?" To which he would reply: "It is. Happy Birthday, baby."

We swam with a pod numbering upwards of 50+ at times, watching them dive and rise in their graceful, aquatic dance. We hovered above, below and side by side with them, watching in awe as some came close enough to be touched (we didn't). We listened to their clicks and whistles, feeling a bit like eavesdroppers but enjoying the moment all the same.

That hour and a half in the water with the dolphins was definitely the icing on the cake of an already perfect and romantic staycation-turned-second-honeymoon for us. I've dreamed about the dolphins twice since we've been home and have watched this video more times than I care to admit!

Life-changing, I tell you.

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Just for kicks and to further prove this Bucket List dream of mine, here's a painting I did last year and titled
"Naia Neighbors" (Naia = Dolphin).

Life imitates Art. :)

Weekly Be-Happy-Tudes! (Vol. 12)

It's been four days since my last post, but it feels like ages since I've been on here. Surprisingly, I'm actually ok with that slight feeling of disconnect, because it just means I've been living and enjoying life. Every now and then, it's nice to disengage from the internet and just "be" in the real world. I've done a lot of "be-ing" this past week. :)

I have a serious case of Birthday-Hangover. Not in the literal sense (although I did partake in some libations to celebrate), but in the I-love-dragging-out-my-birthday-and-making-it-all-about-me-festivities. I feel like I've celebrated my birthday nearly every day for the last week and quite honestly? I've loved every minute of it. And really, what girl wouldn't? I've been pampered and spoiled by my husband, loved-on by my closest girlfriends and sent loving emails, texts and snail mail by family and friends on the mainland. Life is good.

This week, I am happy and grateful for:

...moonbeams and indigo skies:

The moon has been quite the sight as of late; there have been many nights where Phil and I will rush home from work, grab our camera gear and try to set up in the front yard in time to catch the elusive moon in all her splendor, only to be disappointed by passing clouds who wish to teach us patience. One night in particular, we were successful and I've rejoiced in the result! I think I might like to visit the moon someday. :)

...decaf coffee.

Who knew that (with a little effort) decaf coffee could taste just as good as the the real deal? I'm a reformed coffee drinker, remembering with fondness my caffeinated Starbucks days of "I'll-have-a-quad-venti-nonfat-extra-hot-with-whip-white-mocha". I miss those days. I miss the smell of freshly brewed coffee. I miss the little jolt of caffeine goodness and the 3:00pm sense of invincibility I'd learned to fabricate with the simple exchange of goods and services. I miss caffeine, but not enough to forsake our Clean Diet. Decaf will do, thankyouverymuch.

...the best birthday celebration in over a decade. Eleven years ago, Phil invited me to spend the rest of my life with him --and nothing will ever top that--but my birthday this year was one that will go down in history. I'm working on a couple of posts to recap one of the (no joke) best weeks in my life, but in the meantime, a phone-dump will have to suffice in capturing the essence of my birthday this year:

...teaching my husband how to R-E-L-A-X.

I don't have a photo to document this, but I feel compelled to share that my basking-in-birthday-goodness has also taught Phil to relax just a little bit. I'm a master at the Art of Be-ing; it is a God-given gift if you ask me ;), but I can appreciate that for some, it requires a little bit of effort. Phil has been such a trouper this week, completely disconnecting from work and giving me his undivided attention during our stay-cation on Lanai. Our time together was good and it was necessary...and it reminded us that we need to do this more often.

I'm totally down with that idea.

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I have much to be grateful for this week. I'm happy and I'm thankful.

Here's hoping you all had a great week (and weekend!), too. :)