He left us exactly one year ago, today. Three hundred and sixty five days ago. At a little after 4:00pm, I received a phone call at work that would eventually bring me to my knees in the middle of my office. I was reduced to a mindless heap right there on the floor next to my computer, shouting "No, No, No!" into the phone over and over again as if this repetition would change my circumstances. It did not. My little brother had committed suicide.
Anniversaries like these are so difficult...and today, my thoughts are generous but my words are few. I thought today's entry would be about life post-Nicky, but there isn't much to say that I haven't already expressed in the posts I'd written immediately following his death. Exactly one year later, I can read them and still feel that they perfectly capture the truth and emotion of my life - my reality.
I am sharing these writings again just as much for you as I am for me; I am especially proud of these for their unabashed vulnerability; a raw honesty that can only be reached and expressed when you experience grief and pain at this level. While these posts are heavy on the heart, I read them again because I feel an inherent need deep within me to measure where I've been and how much healing has taken place in one year's time.
I wrote this post three days after Nick passed away.
I wrote this post at 3:00am in a Denver hotel room following Nick's funeral.
I wrote this post after a chance encounter that convinced me Nick is still with me even if I can't see him.
And I did just as he said...I kept writing.
There are a handful of you still reading my blog who have been around since last November; thank you for sticking with me. I lost quite a few readers after I began writing about my loss and honestly, it's ok; I understand. I know that grief is uncomfortable for some, but writing about this experience has been healing for me. In this healing, there is growth.
Thank you for your love, support and friendship...and for taking the time to read about my little brother. I sure do miss him.
I don't really know what to say. I'm sitting at my computer with tears filling my eyes. It must feel so crazy to know that a year has gone past. Writing is such a healing tool- and a helpful tool also. I know you are definitely helping people when you share your words with this big ole Internet :)
ReplyDeleteBeautiful. I can not imagine your loss. My brother attempted suicide 7 years ago and failed. I was so mad at him for being selfish that I was ignorant to his hurt. As a result our relationship now is almost nonexistent. ;(
ReplyDeleteTab
Oh Ang, my heart goes out to you today. BIG HUGS and warm thoughts from NYC.
ReplyDeleteOh friend, sending you many good thoughts and love today. I know how VERY hard anniversaries of a passing can be. I remember your loss last year, and I know your sweet heart is extra tender today. You are very loved, as is your precious brother. Be kind to yourself today. xoxo.
ReplyDeleteIf they can't stick with you through the hard times then they aren't worth your good times.
ReplyDeleteHere's to finding peace within ourselves...
Oh, Angie. . . Sending prayers your way!
ReplyDeleteThinking of you right now! x
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I wouldn't know how to handle a situation like this. Thoughts and prayers for you and your family xoxo
ReplyDeleteAngie, I had no idea. I am truly sorry. Just when I thought your spirit couldn't get any more beautiful you prove me wrong. You are an amazing person and deal with things with so much grace. Depression is an awful thing. Yesterday my cousin who is in high school got admitted to the hospital because of severe depression. I had no idea, and now I'm absolutely heart broken. His best friend committed suicide last year and I am so worried he will try to do the same. I am so sad that depression sometimes wins. I love you Angie!!
ReplyDeleteWow, this is really powerful. Thank you for posting about something so personal. I really believe that we need to open up this topic, grief touches us all and the more dialogue and sharing there is the better.
ReplyDeleteOh Angie my heart is hurting for you today. But at the same time I am lifting you up and praying for strength for you. No woman should have to go through what you did but you are such an encouragement to others, showing that life can go on so beautifully. I will be thinking about you all day!
ReplyDeleteI had no idea . I am so sorry. Thinking and praying for you today!
ReplyDeletepraying that God's love, comfort and peace surrounds your family today. *HUGS*
ReplyDeletemy heart is so full with love for you. You are such a strong person to write this out and use it as a healing process.
ReplyDeleteDeath is hard...and dealing with 2 recent deaths myself, I have found talking about it and writing about it helps me grow and heal just like you said. I'm sending lots of love and prayers and hugs and kisses all the way to the big island for you and your family.
I know your brother is looking out for you and he will always be with you
xoxoxo love you girl and i'm here for you if you ever need to talk!
Hugs to you on this difficult anniversary. Of course loss is hard every day but there are days it is felt more acutely. I think you've done a great job honoring your brother's memory and that's all anyone can do. xo sweetie.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't around a year ago and I'm still new to your blog, but this post and the others you shared were so touching. I'm so sorry for your loss and how you've written about your heart is lovely - even in the sorrow.
ReplyDeleteThe anniversary dates are hard - my mom will be gone 12 years this December. And my first love - 11 years this December also. Decembers used to be hard.
Thinking of you. Thank you for sharing your heart with such honesty and openness. It is truly beautiful.
I'm so deeply sorry for your loss! Your words gave me chills and touched me in more ways than you know. xox
ReplyDeleteWhat a handsome guy your brother was. Thinking of you as you ride the waves of grief and healing.
ReplyDelete11 years ago today we buried my father, who was killed in an accident the Sunday after Thanksgiving. This is the first year that I haven't found myself revisiting those memories with pain. Wishing comfort, love and healing for you and your family.
Angie, it's comforting to see that you have an avenue of recovery in your moments of greatest grief. Although it's been a year, I'm still very sorry for your loss, but I am glad that you truly delved into your pain and found the beauty in life and death. I appreciate you for turning your grief into a lesson to be shared with many. Family and friends are never to be taken for granted, and it's important to be reminded of that as much as possible.
ReplyDeleteThank you for being so strong, and keep being the amazing you are! :)
OH MY GOSH!!! First - *hug*! Second - you're so strong! I have never been in your situation, so I don't know how I would react, but I can tell you that after reading the few posts you just linked to, you are a remarkable person! That dentist story almost brought me to tears at my desk! My mom died on Thanksgiving when I was in 6th grade, and while it's not the same thing (and I'm not saying this to get pity!) I know how loss feels, and I hope that you keep handling it as well as you are! I bet your brother is hugging you from heaven extra tight today! I'll be thinking of you!!
ReplyDeleteHugs, thoughts, and prayers for you today Angie! I can only imagine how difficult today is for you and your family. I know you are surrounded by loving family and friends but if you ever need someone to talk to I'm always here to listen.
ReplyDeleteMay the Lord continue to bless you, dear Angie. Loss is so very difficult, and I can not even begin to imagine what it's like to lose not one, but two brothers, especially Nick. I know what it's like to lose grandparents and a dad, but I can't imagine losing a sibling at our young age. It's the farthest thing from natural.
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. For I know that although a year has passed and too many in our world seem to have forgotten or think we should be totally over it and back to normal by now (by the way, you're never back to normal, but rather learning to live in your new normal), your heart still aches.
A year later the pain is different, and often not as debilitating or as frequent, but it's still there.
I am so pleased you are continuing to write, as I know how healing it can be. I love reading about your husband who loves you and supports you however he can (he got out of bed and came to you on your side? What a special, special man).
So hang in there, my blogging friend. From what I read you're doing great and I'm so happy to know how supported and loved you are. Although Nick is no longer here in person to shower you with his words and hugs, God has provided you with many, many others to help fill the un-fillable void.
Oh, Angie. I'm sending prayers your way. The anniversaries of deaths are always so hard, in a way that I don't think people understand until they have dealt with it in their own life. Bless your heart today!
ReplyDelete~Tiffany
http://tiffanyd22.blogspot.com
I have no doubt today is a tough day for you. Thank goodness Phil was with you then and with you now to give you that comfort you need.
ReplyDeleteI wish you well, my friend. Been thinking about you the past couple of days. xo
Emily at Amazing Grapes
I still feel raw from that day. What a horrible week.... Including that horrendous 6 day fire a couple minutes from our home. Thinking about you, my darling, sending you so much love.....
ReplyDeleteThinking and praying about you today!!! I cannot even imagine. But, keep writing and keep living! <3
ReplyDeleteYour words are (like all of your other posts) so touching and so real. I am so sorry for your loss. Belated, I know, but I hope it helps knowing that someone is thinking of you and your family on this day.
ReplyDeleteXoxox
Thoughts and prayers to you on this day! Even though it's been a year it probably seems like yesterday. It's been 11yrs since my dad died of cancer and I still think about that day a lot. They said we had three months with him and we got one week! I remember leaving the hospital that day and turning to my wife when we got in the car and saying, that's the last time I'm going to see him! I'll be saying a prayer for you tonight.
ReplyDeleteAngie, I'm sorry...I missed this post yesterday. I cannot even believe this. I didn't start reading your blog until I started mine, which was just last spring. I had absolutely no idea that this had happened. I am so sorry. I wish I could come over there and give you a huge hug right now. I'm sending you virtual ones right now. You, Phil and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Keep doing what you're doing. Your brother is so proud of you. xoxo
ReplyDeleteWow, I remember reading that post last year...can't believe it's been a year. I have been reading your blog for quite some time now and you feel like a friend....thinking of you and sending a hug your way Angie xo
ReplyDeleteI remember you posting this a year ago. And feeling overwhelming sadness for you. I can't believe it's been a year. Thank you for letting us follow you on this journey ;)Always praying for your peace.
ReplyDeleteI'm so new to your blog but my heart is with you...I am so sorry for your sad loss.
ReplyDeleteDear Angie, I saw this post almost straight after you posted it, but I'm commenting now. I've just read the three other posts that you linked to. There really are no words. I can just say you are so incredibly strong. I lost a student last year, I was a zombie for two weeks. I can't imagine what you felt then and what you feel now. I admire your courage. <3 Vanisha
ReplyDeletePS I changed my blog url, it's now http://vanishaslife.blogspot.com
I am so, so sorry!
ReplyDeleteHugs to you, Angie. I wish I had the right words to make this better for you. I don't, but know that I'm thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteoh angie, i had no idea! my heart goes out to you and your family! thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteAwww Angie...I cannot imagine losing 2 brothers...I'm so sorry...my heart aches for you..
ReplyDeleteI read your other posts and was in tears after. I'm glad that dental hygienist was able to comfort you and encouraged you to keep writing.
Thinking of you and you family and wishing you all a happy holiday. :)
*BIG HUG*
I lost my dad 1 1/2 years ago...loss is very overwhelming. I cannot say I know what you are going through with a suicide loss, but I can say that God generously grants peace that passes all understanding - in our innermost heart and soul! Cling to Him alone and look to Him alone for hope that cannot be found on this earth. Praying for you today.
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry for your loss. Someone close to me, a family member has attempted several times as a teenager and once as an adult. I think she is ok now but the possibility that she could do it again is always on my mind, especially when she is challenged in life, which is often.
ReplyDeleteLike Tabitha, I too remember feeling very angry, feeling like it was a very selfish thing to do. I think this is a very natural feeling. Now that I'm older I do understand a bit more.
Hugs to you...