I am a thinker. I have the innate ability to over-analyze words, a gesture, a look, or any given situation. This personality trait is most certainly a weakness of mine, because it brings me nothing but stress and worry, often leaving me paralyzed with fear and anxiety. I genuinely feel the need to work on this aspect of myself for the sake of my emotional well-being, because the state it leaves me in is shortening my life.
Case in point: Yesterday, we had some of the biggest South swell of the season. Watersports enthusiasts island-wide skipped out of work in order to watch and/or ride the waves...my husband, included. He left the house at 6:00am bound for La Perouse, and I did not see him until almost 7:00pm last night. His last text to me was at about 9:30am, and that was it. I sent him a text around noon just to check in and didn't hear back from him. By 3:00pm, panic set in and lunacy ensued. Accidents happen all the time. And out here, on a rock in the middle of the Pacific, we are no strangers to water-related injuries and mishaps.
Love makes you vulnerable. And when you love someone with your whole heart, soul and being, the fear of losing them can take you to places you don't think are possible. I have not felt a fear so deep and so debilitating in such a long time. At 5:30pm yesterday, I found myself sitting on my bed, unable to dissuade my thoughts from taking me to an unthinkable realm of the absolute worst. And there, by myself, looking out my bedroom window at the palm tree pulling in the wind - the very wind that was bringing in these sought-after waves - I about lost my ever-loving mind. I burst into tears because the idea of losing him was so raw and so real. And it scares me that my mind can take me to this place.
It has been less than a year since I lost my brother and the idea of losing the Love of my Life? It was enough to launch me into the throes of despair. I hate this kind of fear.
I will spare you the details of my meltdown and simply say this: God hears us. In my moment of panic, He managed to get my attention. I felt Him. I heard Him. And I was comforted enough to be able to pull myself together and wait. Patiently.
My phone rang at almost 6:00pm. As it turns out, the point to where they'd hiked out on the lava rocks was so far out, they'd lost phone reception. He was fine, but delayed (the waves were so big they'd washed up onshore where they were trying to drive out from). I cried tears of relief; I just wanted him home so that I could hug him. Hard.
I realize how unhealthy this kind of fear is, and we had a long talk about it over dinner. I seriously need to get back into Yoga to better manage my stress levels.
I really know where you're coming from. I get those moments of panic sometimes as well, and my imagination goes into overdrive which freaks me out even more.
ReplyDeleteLast night my parents left (sob) and I always have this knot in my stomach until they call me from Israel, safe and sound. Thankfully they did, but it was a good 14 hours that I was literally eating my fingernails.
Love ya hon'!!
xoxo
Noa
Bless your heart a million times over. I am overcome with fear like this as well. I won't admit it to a lot of people, but something similar happened to my husband and in my mind, I was already planning his funeral. Total and complete panic. I couldn't think or even breathe for hours. I get it, completely. I will pray for peace for both of us on this subject. It's a hard one to deal with! hugs!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you! I often do the same thing. I had a good cry myself yesterday over absolutely nothing really. I find it helpful to immediately think of something else when I start to think about something that triggers worry and fear.
ReplyDeleteThis was my devotion this morning from Sarah Young's Jesus Calling, it was exactly what I needed today :)
ReplyDelete"Grow strong in your weakness. Some of My children I've gifted with abundant strength and stamina. Others, like you, have received the humble gift of frailty. Your fragility is not a punishment, nor does it indicate lack of faith. On the contrary, weak ones like you must live by faith, depending on Me to get you through the day. I am developing your ability to trust Me, to lean on Me, rather than on your own understanding. Your natural preference is to plan out your day, knowing what will happen when. My preference is for you to depend on Me continually, trusting Me to guide you and strengthen you as needed. This is how you grow strong in your weakness." James 4:13-15, Proverbs 3:5, Isaiah 40:28-31
The yoga - it helps for this? Because I have been suffering from what I can only describe as debilitating anxiety for years. I'm on medications for it. For example - I will lie in bed at night and worry about things I have absolutely zero control over. Silly things - and not so silly things - like losing my parents. Which is inevitable - they are not immortal. But I worry constantly about the fact that I am unmarried and if one of them were to die today I'd have to go through that grief without a husband. And then there's the whole "I have no kids yet" thing... and the "I fail at dating" thing... Sad part? I'm a therapist... LOL I can tell people how to fix their lives, but when it comes to my own I am clueless!
ReplyDeleteI know this fear and for myself, I hate it when it wants to or does take over. I think about G-man, especially when I'm back in CA and how I wouldn't know if something happened. His work wouldn't call me, the police wouldn't call me, no one and I'd be left there thousands of miles away with no clue that something happened.
ReplyDeleteI hate what that fear can do.
I'm glad it all was well yesterday in the end for you guys. :) I can't imagine losing the love either.
Emily w/Amazing Grapes
Oh gosh, I'm exactly the same. One time, my boyfriend wasn't picking up when he said he would be home. I started thinking all these crazy things and having anxiety so I drove to his place...and he was sleeping.
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing girl. I feel so much emotion when I read your posts!
PS - since I transferred my domain over, some people have had to delete me out of Google Reader and re-add me again to see my updates! Just wanted to give you a heads up...in case you wanted to continue hearing about my not-so-exciting life!
xo
I think many women are prone to this kind of fear and anxiety, but it's true...it can be debilitating at times. The only thing that helps me is prayer and God's word. I already worry about the kids I don't have...lol...I think I'll be in the word a lot more when little ones are running around!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad everything turned out ok. I'm sorry you had to go through all that anxiety. Believe me, I've been there and it's not fun. I'm glad you were able to talk it out over dinner. You're husband is a lucky man to have a partner who loves him so much.
ReplyDeleteThat sounds horrible, Angie! When I worry about my family I cling to the verses in Matthew about worry.
ReplyDeleteMatthew 6:25-34
New International Version (NIV)
Do Not Worry
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life[a]?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I need to memorize this. I tell people all the time in my paraphrase. Ask God to take away the fear and regularly turn it over to him. I am living proof that he can heal you from fear, worry and anxiety.
Laura
Oh sweetie, I am so sorry. Experiencing that type of fear is never fun. SO glad you're ok and so is Phil. I've had a few unsettling moments like that, and they are never wanted again for repeat.
ReplyDeleteYou couldn't be more right. In our deepest, darkest moments God ALWAYS hears us, comforts us, and calms our spirits.
Love you, Ang!
xoxo
Oh, Angie. I know how debilitating that kind of fear is. I've had a lot of episodes of pathological worry so I understand what you are going through. Take a deep breath and definitely, Yoga would be a big help.
ReplyDeleteBig *hug* for you...
this happens to me from time to time, kevin will leave and i'll sometimes have a vision of someone calling me from a hospital or something and i think about how much my life would change and how many little things i would miss, see i could cry now. but i try to use those times to remind myself to soak him and our moments in and never take anything for granted. i rolled over this morning and just looked at him, thinking of all the times i prayed i would find such a good man. i dont want to ever get so caught up in routine that i dont appreciate the real stuff. amazing post angie!
ReplyDeletexoxo
ashley
www.laluceimagery.blogspot.com
so sweet =)) am starting to love your blog, your so pretty =)) I do have DSLR canon 50D but I'm not a good photographer just like you.. you're such an inspiration. following you already! hope to see more of your post =))
ReplyDeletehttp://sittieinthecity.blogspot.com/
I completely feel you woman!!!! Bryan does this to me all the time and I think he's just busy with appointments or whatever but when he's supposed to be strolling in no later than 6pm....I worry! Can't help it! I think when you lose someone so close to you as we have, it's just so hard to imagine our lovers gone as well and we just need them or we can't go on...it's tough and i think about what it would be like if i had lost him....i think it's actually a must because they say when you least expect it, it will happen....well i always expect something so maybe it will never happen...LOL:) Love you lady!
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh, girl, I 100% am the same way. Worry is my biggest sin. It's something I've had to really work on in the past couple of years... and it's continuing to be a work in progress. Isn't God's grace beautiful? His grace is sufficient. My husband's job puts him in constant danger, and it's scary. I totally relate to your fears. Praise Jesus that we serve a God who hears us and can calm all fears & worries. xo
ReplyDeleteAw, I can only imagine the thoughts going through your head yesterday! That's so scary. Glad he's fine though :) It is so hard to trust God 100% of the time...especially in a situation like that!!! But, Romans 8:28 :)
ReplyDeleteAngie!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I love the way you write. It's so descriptive and it takes me to the exact place you're writing about.
Secondly, I don't have a husband (yet), but I have had moments like these where I play the worst case scenario in my mind about my parents. And just like you, I trust God and lean on him and let him fill me with his comfort and peace.
And for all the above, I admire you! Your honesty and organic & rawness of emotion that you share on your blog.
Sending hearts your way!
Che'
Oh my goodness!! Reading this post was like reading my life when I can't get ahold of my husband on his cell phone!! I have such worry and anxiety about things like this. I have said many of prayers and I can attest too that God does hear and comfort us! Thanks for sharing this post.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog by the way!
1) You guys are sexy.
ReplyDelete2) I think sometimes things like this NEED to happen, to whip us back into a state of gratitude for every moment we're alive and spending with the ones we love.
Don't worry about it too much. :)
those situations are s o h a r d!!
ReplyDeletepraise god for his word, drink it in during these anxious times!
love ya! xo
Love or Fear. A choice. I suppose the trick is to maintain our balance and not get pulled into any extremes of emotion.
ReplyDeleteTake care,
Mike