Every now and then, I will write because I am inspired by something I have absorbed through one of my five senses; something that moves me by sight, sound, touch, taste or smell. And other times, I am inspired to write because of something so unorthodox as a recent episode of The Bachelorette (don't judge).
I Tivo'd last night's episode and watched it this afternoon; this episode hit close to home, not because I have lost my ever-loving mind and put myself on a reality show, exposing myself to unbridled scrutiny all in the name of love (Lord, no.), but because that poor girl...despite her quick rise to "fame" by network standards, at the end of the day, she is still human: vulnerable and painfully insecure. And I can relate.
I'll quickly gloss over the fact that her participation in a reality show was a personal choice; her insecurities however, really spoke to me, because these are things I feel myself, everyday, all the time. The fear of rejection. The fear of not being good enough. The fear of disappointing people. It's uncanny, really, that despite race, class or social stature, when it gets down to it, we're all one in the same: we all want to be liked and we all seek approval, whether or not we are willing to admit it. We strive to be different (though not glaringly so) - to stand out in a crowd and to own our uniqueness, but we also do this, cautiously. Because in our attempts to celebrate our authenticity, heaven forbid we should step on any toes, offend, or worse yet, hurt someone's feelings.
When I first started this blog, I made the personal choice to blog publicly. Certainly, I could have played it safe and blogged privately, for my own benefit or for only those whom I've invited to read along. But I made a conscious choice to be open; to blog to anyone or to no one, simply because I love to write. But that does not mean that this decision comes without fear. Fear is very much a reality to me.
While perusing other blogs, I often find myself in that lackluster place; feeling less than. As terrible as it makes me feel to admit to this, I also have moments where I covet. I covet your homes. Your lifestyles. Your travels. Your adventures. Your beauty. The list goes on. And it's a vicious cycle, really. I read your blogs because I so enjoy them; I enjoy reading about each of you; learning about who you are, what makes you tick, what makes you, you. But it's also a Catch-22, because while I am reading (and enjoying) what you all so freely share, there are moments when it makes me feel worse about myself.
I am not proud of this trait---quite the contrary. In actuality, I am ashamed, because these feelings contradict my desire to possess a positive self-image. But again, I am human, and I am flawed. Despite all this, there is light at the end of the tunnel. While I may still have my bouts of insecurity, I am in a much better place today, than I was, say, five or even ten years ago. I am much more comfortable in my skin now, than I was back then. And I am learning, every day, to accept me for me...flaws and all.
So I may not be tall enough. Or thin enough, or pretty enough. I may not have a sprawling home with living spaces worthy of a spread in Architectural Digest - or, here on the Blogosphere, creativity that warrants a feature on Young House Love. I may not have the latest and greatest in handbags or clothing or jewelry or shoes. But what I DO have, is an amazing life, filled with amazing family and friends. All of my basic needs are provided by a God who loves me so. I have a husband who loves me and who tells me that I am beautiful, every day. We have our health, our jobs, a roof over our heads and food on the table. It seems silly...almost trite, to fret about anything else. I'd be doing myself a disservice if I spent my life trying to be someone I am not, instead of flourishing as the person He created me to be.
I am made in His image. And I am perfectly imperfect.
Love your flaws. Love what differentiates you from the rest.
Embrace your individuality. Trust that you are perfect exactly as you are.
You are beautiful, you are unique, and you are loved.
Celebrate YOU.
:steps down from soap box:
So tell me...can you commiserate? Have you experienced similar thoughts/feelings on this topic? I'd love it if you would share! As always, thank you for reading along!
I think we all feel that way from time to time! I want you to know though, that I looooove your blog and I enjoy reading about your life so much! You are such an amazing, articulate writer!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree! When I first started reading other blogs, I kept thinking mine was crap and that I could do so much better. I realized that my blog is my personal outlet, and that it's not about having contests for me or having the most followers. As long as I'm being true to myself and doing it for my own purposes, than I can be satisfied :) There will always be better photographers and more eloquent writers out there with interesting content. I guess that's what keeps this interweb community so interesting, all the variety. As for your blog, I loved it immediately and am always interested in what you have to say because you talk about things that matter and it's authentic and relatable! I love it!
ReplyDeleteI follow a LOT of blogs...reading way more than commenting, and I must say: Yours is one of my most favorite!! You have a beautiful style, both in writing and in being! Your inner beauty shines in everything you write...the photos, your header, your feelings all contribute to my reading pleasure every day! Thanks:)
ReplyDeleteAngie, you are such a beautiful person! It's hard to put yourself out there when you know that it's always possible to be ridiculed or rejected, but I'm so glad you do! I love reading what you write!
ReplyDeleteOh Angie, you hit the nail on the head. I have actually cried reading other blogs. I have coveted, been angry, jealous, all of the emotions. I think, wow, mine is just random, boring things, like park dates, and playing at the pool, and what I had for lunch. It has taken me quite a while to be comfortable in my own skin. So, therefore, I blog for me, and for anyone else that is interested. I don't have a fancy car or a fancy home, but God thinks I'm pretty cool, so that is all that matters!
ReplyDeletePeople love you and your blog because you are real and authentic and lovely in every way. This post is so beautiful, so encouraging. Thank you!
I LOVE the shell photos. I love that quote by Wilde!
Hi Angie! Oh, how I love you. In a non-creepy way, of course. You really write and express your heart so beautifully.
ReplyDeleteI think almost everyone has these same struggles... I know I certainly do, from time to time. The blog world is the PERFECT way to compare your life to others', to find ways to not feel good enough or contented with your own life. Instead of allowing things to make me feel inadaquate or discontent, though, lately I've been trying to simply be inspired and motivated by those I look up to. There are so many ways I'm still not living up to my potential, and some of the amazing girls I read about really light a fire under my butt to do some of those things I dream about.
You, my friend, have things, are things, and can do things that no one else can. You are more perfect than you know.
Thanks, as always, for this beautiful blog. How funny, because there are times I envy your life!:) you are such a sweet friend to me. You are so real and honest, and I think that's the bet quality of all because you are in a prime place to grow only better.
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate. And believe it or not, sometimes I have those same feelings when I read YOUR blog. You have such a great way of writing and expressing your true feelings, you live in one of the most amazing states in our country, and you're pretty darn gorgeous too! I think it's perfectly natural to be insecure at times or to see glimpses of others and reflect on yourself. But the key is just what you said - knowing and loving what you DO have and being grateful for that. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, I can totally commiserate! I have often felt similar about my own little piece of blog real estate and my own self.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for this post - I really needed to hear it!
Love your photos also - those shells are beautiful {especially the broken one in the middle}.
Angie, thank you so so so much for sharing this post. I smiled the whole time I was reading it. I have felt the exact same way, so many times. You put this so beautifully, and it makes me admire you even more than I already did! :) You are beautiful in more ways than you can possibly fathom! I often get down and I'm so hard on myself, so thank you for the reminder to LOVE my life just the way it is. You're amazing my love! :) I hope I can come to Hawaii one day and meet you...and take pictures of you OF COURSE! :)
ReplyDeletedear, dear friend:
ReplyDeletethis touched my heart so much.
your honesty is powerful and inspirational and bringing out those dark things into the light can only take away their power.
i am glad you shared this because i am so often in the same place and i know other blogger friends who are as well. it is sometimes so painful to be reminded of all the things you don't have or all the things you think you are not.
even though, i am not married, i do not have a house or kids, there is one woman i follow on blogger who has all those things. her house is incredible, her children are beautiful and they are always taking lovely trips and vacations together and i find myself thinking, wow, when i have a family, i will never be able to give my kids all those things. but...one of her little girl's has Down syndrome and that brings me down to earth and helps me to realize...what makes me think that life is easy for her or that she has it all together? although her baby girl is beautiful, i can't even comprehend the struggles that come with having a child with Down syndrome.
like you said, ALL of us have fears, insecurities and deep wounds, things that we don't often see in a place like the blogosphere.
and while there are no easy answers to fix those fears and struggles, it helps to know we are not alone and to be encouraged to just be who we are without compromise.
thank you for this post; it was much needed.
have a great day, girl!
p.s. when i was reading your "return to calm" post yesterday, i couldn't help but be envious of your glowing brown skin and almond-shaped eyes; you are soo beautiful, miss angie. :)
ReplyDeleteOh sweetie, funny thing is that what you don't know there are actually other bloggers out there who envy your life and the place you live. Most people, myself included, have never been to Hawaii, and you live it and breath it EVER DAY! Now that's something to envy :)
ReplyDeleteI do love this post! Celebrating YOU is wonderful concept. We are all made in HIS image and HIS likeness, and we need to celebrate the way He chose to create us!
xoxo
You are definitely not alone pretty girl. It is so much easier to look at other peoples' seemingly perfect lives via the blog and get caught up in it. I just try to remind myself that most people just blog about that good and glamorous and leave the rest unshared.
ReplyDeleteI feel the exact same way sometimes. And it's completely normal; especially when we see SO MUCH of someone's life. It's only normal to compare. I do it all the time.
ReplyDeleteI love this post, and it's true. You may not have these material things, but you have LOVE, and that's all that matters. There's beauty in our differences, and I love it!
Thanks for posting. I, too, sometimes don't feel good enough. So, thanks for the reminder. =)
xox
I am clearly missing something big with the Bachelorette! Everyone's commented about it.
ReplyDeleteAny way, I feel the 100% same way. Often times I find myself avoiding fashion blogs or travel blogs because of the things that stir inside me. I don't care for it so I have to avoid them in order to keep true to myself and not wish I were that way or had what they had.
I've found I'm a lot stronger now than I was X many years ago, but still have many insecurities that surface, especially with blogging now. It's so easy to want to 'impress' with my life yet I realize it's not at all what I want to portray and usually when I have those feelings of "showing off" whatever they may be, I write a God lessoned post because He brought me back to reality, and I'm too humbled to not want to share.
Wow! You are so right...there are so many women who are leading these incredible lives and I think your post strikes right at the heart of every woman. Regardless of how successful we are in one area of our lives, we still look at where we perceive ourselves to be lacking in another. The real truth is that we are all perfect, lacking nothing, fully whole and holy...we have just forgotten. There is no such thing as fear, because God did not create it, we did. Because I can so relate to your story, I am reading A Course in Miracles...and slowly...learning, absorbing, uncovering the truth of "us." I have read so many, many, many self-help, motivational, relationship, the Holy Bible, etc. etc. etc. books and this one...this one brings it all "home." A Course in Miracles is a 365 day project, which is why it took me this long to begin. I thought it might be daunting. Amazingly it is not.
ReplyDeleteAngie, I see you as this amazingly talented, spiritual, beautiful, fun-loving, soulful, gracious, generous and kind woman. And oh how I'd love a home on Maui :-))) or a mountain top in Colorado, or, or, or :-) I would love to be in a boat that close to a whale breaching, or swim with the dolphins, take a hot air balloon ride; How I'd love a closet full of designer clothes and be a size 4 again...LOL I am however, grateful for my lovely home here in the desert southwest, my two adorable cocker pups, my amazing work, God in all his glory, and yes, my sometimes crazy family...:-))) Love this post. You really are an amazing writer. ~Blessings, Janet
I hear you! My post on vulnerability got deleted when blogger went down and I need to re-write it. A lot of what you said rings true. While we do not fret over the exact same things, those feelings of insecurity, fear of rejection, wanting to fit in? They are all there!
ReplyDeleteKnow you are not alone in this. And you are so right, we have a God who loves us and created us just as we are. What a wonderful reminder when we find ourselves dissatisfied.
This is beautifully written Angie, and you are most certainly not alone. When I first started getting my blog out there - my first real insecurity was my own blog. my layout, my design, etc. wasn't as sophisticated as the other blogs I was finding. I didn't feel like my blog was up to par to be spreading around the internet like everyone else. So, I started to fiddle with it, and found I like to change it up and that its OK to change. Now I use other people's ideas as inspiration because I learned my blog space is exactly that - mine.
ReplyDeleteI have struggled [do struggle] with some of the very things that you mentioned. I've blog about it before changing my niche here and there and being all over the place in my blogging because I've seen things work at other places and wonder if they will work for mine. Honestly, some days I go to someone else's blog and they have like 800 followers and 50 comments per post and I get a little envious. But then I realize - it's completely OK. I blog for me. So at the end of the day does it really matter?
Now Angie, let me tell you something about you. All though you may be human, get a bit envious, may be a bit flawed - you are so much bigger than ALL OF THOSE THINGS. You are beautiful, kind, so talented and you have been blessed in so many ways. You live on a beautiful island, go on fabulous day trips and adventures that many dream of - have a fabulous husband that loves and supports you. You my friend, are the type that I'm sure many people envy! :)
Love to you sweet friend!
It's ironic that you write this...I often look at your island life, creative talents, and your gorgeous tan and have a hint of jealousy :)
ReplyDeleteI think all women experience this...and its a constant battle/journey of seeing ourselves the way Christ does.
Brava! Those pictures capture it all SO well.
ReplyDelete"We strive to be different (though no glaringly so)..." It's so true--we want to be unique like everybody else, which is such a paradox. Thank you for sharing, from your heart, like you do so, so well. You really captured it all. "I am made in His image. And I am perfectly imperfect." Let me tell you, that is a lesson that I am quick to pass on to others but have the hardest time learning (accepting) myself. How is it that I am so quick to praise and celebrate others but am less gracious with myself?
I remember when my best friend (now husband) told me that I was a "10" just by being born. He said, "We all are. On a scale of 1-10 God sees everyone as a 10." Like Oprah said (since we're doing pop culture references): We're worthy because we're born.
Thank you for putting this out into the universe. The truth and beauty you share really reach past your island and into so many lives--at least my life. And I think that's pretty damn special.
Love you, girl!
k
I can totally relate. I have these same feelings all the time. You expressed it really beautifully and love the photos. XO
ReplyDeleteAngie, this is so great. It's so true about needing to love yourself. I too have feelings of not being or having enough to write good posts for my readers. Thank you for sharing this vulnerable side of you!
ReplyDeleteIronically, I've felt the same way about you and your blog, especially when I first started reading! Lol. Ooh... this pretty girl who lives in the tropics and has a wonderful husband... I want that!
ReplyDeleteThe more I read yours and everyone else's blog, the more I realize that we're all just people. We all put our best foot forward, but even so, we're all flawed. And you're right, we all just want to be unique and loved for who we are. I love that we all have differences and we all have something to bring to the table. And it's worth it to remind ourselves not to be jealous of what other people have b/c God has given us so much too that we shouldn't take for granted.
I, myself, do not have a blog (yet). You along with a few others are saved in my "favorites" that I browse through daily. You are my favorite to read. You are the most down-to-earth and genuine (so it seems).... I really needed this post. You really opened up my eyes and I realize i'm not the only one that sometimes feels this way. You are very special!
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