Merry-Week-After-Christmas, friends. I hope this week finds you all happy and healthy and filled with exalted anticipation for the new year on the horizon.
I had grand plans to post about the direction I hope to take my blog in the new year, but the last few days have been especially difficult and I haven't been able to motivate myself to do so. I'm trying---really trying---to stay positive, but it is hard. It is hard when this time of year is focused on faith and family and joy (and rightfully so), but what I find myself wanting to do most of all is to just burrow my way deep under the confines of our down comforter while nursing my wounds.
The last few weeks have been filled with highs and lows...but Monday was a new "low". I had the day off work and spent most of it in bed, wallowing, thinking, crying. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since Nick's passing. And I just miss him.
I know that grieving in solitude like this isn't healthy, but it is part of the only process that I know. Just when I think I am strong again and able to shield myself from the sorrow, my protective armor is ripped away from me and I am vulnerable once again. Grief is hard. But (and there's always a "...but") it is fascinating to me how God always has a way of keeping things in balance for me when I feel like I have lost complete control. I am reminded of His love in the various gifts around me; my family, my husband, my friends, and all of His creation.
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The day after Christmas, Phil and I met some friends at the beach on the South Side to relax in the sunshine. Honestly, I was not up for the socializing, but in my valiant attempt to "try" I rallied and showed up. And I was present. There is nothing like being surrounded by friends who love you and who can make you laugh when you really feel like crying.
The hilight of my day was the moment I looked up. As I sat soaking in the beautiful, blue sky, freckled with tufts of cotton-like clouds, I paused. I was speechless...and in that instant, I felt peace.
God is good.