Merry-Week-After-Christmas, friends. I hope this week finds you all happy and healthy and filled with exalted anticipation for the new year on the horizon.
I had grand plans to post about the direction I hope to take my blog in the new year, but the last few days have been especially difficult and I haven't been able to motivate myself to do so. I'm trying---really trying---to stay positive, but it is hard. It is hard when this time of year is focused on faith and family and joy (and rightfully so), but what I find myself wanting to do most of all is to just burrow my way deep under the confines of our down comforter while nursing my wounds.
The last few weeks have been filled with highs and lows...but Monday was a new "low". I had the day off work and spent most of it in bed, wallowing, thinking, crying. Tomorrow will be exactly one month since Nick's passing. And I just miss him.
I know that grieving in solitude like this isn't healthy, but it is part of the only process that I know. Just when I think I am strong again and able to shield myself from the sorrow, my protective armor is ripped away from me and I am vulnerable once again. Grief is hard. But (and there's always a "...but") it is fascinating to me how God always has a way of keeping things in balance for me when I feel like I have lost complete control. I am reminded of His love in the various gifts around me; my family, my husband, my friends, and all of His creation.
* * *
The day after Christmas, Phil and I met some friends at the beach on the South Side to relax in the sunshine. Honestly, I was not up for the socializing, but in my valiant attempt to "try" I rallied and showed up. And I was present. There is nothing like being surrounded by friends who love you and who can make you laugh when you really feel like crying.
The hilight of my day was the moment I looked up. As I sat soaking in the beautiful, blue sky, freckled with tufts of cotton-like clouds, I paused. I was speechless...and in that instant, I felt peace.
God is good.
you write so beautifully ♥ i have been thinking about you as i am sure so many have been and just know that we are always here for you in whatever way possible.
ReplyDeleteyour strength is incredible even if you do not realize it...i can see it all the way over here :)
wishing for more bright skys for you miss :)
xoxo
I only have one sibling, so if I lost her I cannot imagine. I guess that would be the same if you had ten siblings though I guess.
ReplyDeleteYou will heal with time, let your writing be your outlet - it has helped me along the way.
I can't help but smile when I look at clouds, because I know just beyond them is God, and he's throwing the world's biggest party. Love your writing as well.
ReplyDeleteI love that photo! and the title "God is good". . .so very appropriate!
ReplyDeleteI hope you have more days when you feel that peace. . .sending prayers your way!
Oh, sweet Angie, I am so, so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts to hear your pain. Goodness, I so understand the ups and downs you're talking about right now.
ReplyDeleteThe stages of grief I went through when I lost my mom in 09 were so difficult at times. To be honest, it's still difficult somedays. I missed her then and I still miss her today, but God has helped me cope with it.
The loss will never really go away, but God is faithful and He will walk you through this dark time. He'll help you settle into a new normal eventually. When I look back at some of the harder times in my grief process, I can see clearly that He was there with me every step of the way. He's there with you too, Ang...but you already know that : ).
I will be praying for comfort, peace, strength, and that you feel His overwhelming love all around you during this difficult time. You have a secret hiding place in you Father, and you can stay safely tucked away in Him as long as you need.
SO much love to you, precious friend. If you ever need anything you know where to find me : )
Love,
Laura
Angie, thank you dearly for the sweet comment you left me; it made me smile so much! I am so glad to have found your heartwarming blog! From reading some of your posts, I know we will be friends :) You are such a strong, determined spirit, and I can tell that God has and will continue to do so much through you! Your writing is inspiring, and I look forward to reading more of your beautiful posts. Much love and prayers.
ReplyDeletexoxo
P.S. The Hawaiian islands are one of my favorite places to visit! Maui is so beautiful; I hope to vacation there again sometime soon :) You're so lucky to live there!!
Way to rally, friend! It's what we have to do sometimes. That is what Nick and Brent would want us to do, right?
ReplyDeleteI have been thinking of you and love you lots!
He is good right? Thanks for sharing your heart so openly.
ReplyDeleteGod is good. I'm glad that you found some peace on your day and I hope you continue to do so!
ReplyDeleteWow, I was just stopping by because you had left such a sweet comment on my blog when I went on holiday hiatus. I was actually just coming by to say hello and to say I was back!
ReplyDeleteAfter reading this post, I know that there is a reason for me landing here on this day...
I'm very sorry for your loss... you are right - grief is hard, and a month is still fresh. I'm glad that you have loved ones to help you get through...
Beautifully written!
ReplyDeleteI'm your new follower =)
Would love a follow back and a follow on Bloglovin' if possible =D
Happy New Year!
//Nellie
http://sockertussen.blogspot.com
You write beautifully. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time- it makes me so sad reading this. I wish I could eloquently type a message of hope but I am not good at that, I can just pray for you and say that everything is better with time. God is good.
ReplyDeletethere are days when i feel like doing the same and i melt and cry....it's been a quick eight point five years,... it still feels like yesterday...i can remember the day like the back of my hand...it's memories that make me really sad and glad at the same time....because god is so good to us and has given these men a better place:)
ReplyDeletei'm only an email away...i know speaking about it has helped me over the years and just letting the world know what kind of person he was will help you get through this:) xoxo happy new year!
I can't begin to imagine going through what you're going through right now, but know that I'm thinking of you, thought of you over the holidays and sent wishes that it would be bearable for you. It's been almost 30 years since I lost my dad and some days it's still the most unbearable pain I can imagine, but most days I can just look back and remember all the wonderful memories and have this perfect beautiful peace. I hope that you can find that in little things every day to make it a little bit easier to bear until the pain starts to fade a little bit.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and I'm just a message away if you need me!
praying for you! Your blog is beautiful. Thank you!
ReplyDeleteWe're happily following via Fab Friends Friday! We'd love it if you followed us, we think you might dig what we're doin'. :) Thanx
kocoandviking.blogspot.com
Hi, I'm in beautiful Hawaii also! I have been living here for a year and
ReplyDeletea half now!
I'm your newest follower from Fun Follow Friday! I would love for you to follow me back!
http://www.mrs-marine.com
Whatever direction you take, your voice and strength comes out beautifully. Look forward to reading more in the New Year.
ReplyDeleteThere is no right or wrong way to greive. If you want to curl up and do it alone, that is your right. Your mind and body will heal in time, but time is just that ... it takes time and doesn't move as fast as we would like it to. I will say a prayer for you, Nick and his family.
ReplyDeleteHang in there and keep writing. You are beautiful with words.
Marcie
Angie,
ReplyDeleteI just ready your "about this blog" and it is so pretty! I admire you following your dreams and leaving the rat race that is the SF bay area (I am still here!). Were you an attorney? I was too, and quit cold turkey last year to work in academics. Life is so much more enjoyable now :)
Marcie
God is good ... its hard to always see it but He is! Way to rally ... there's nothing more comforting than being in the presence of people who love and support you. You have amazing strength my friend. Thinking of you and continuing to remember you in prayer.
ReplyDelete